Dreams

While I've been having nightmares upon nightmares, Maeve had a really nice dream last night and I guess God sends her these sweet dreams. She dreamt that she was getting married (as an adult) and walking down the aisle. She even described her groom and her wedding dress! It is a dream I hold on to as I DO want to see her date, break a few hearts, get married. For me, this dream is a promise from God that that WILL happen and Maeve will get well and will not relapse, and that I will not lose her through cancer.As nice as the nurses and some doctors are, I do not want to see them anymore after her 4th round of chemo. I'd like for her to go back only for check ups and finger pricks and never need to ward again, except when its time to remove her port in a year's time. I hold on to God's promise that after weeping for a night, joy comes in the morning.

It is so nice to be back home, eating home cooked food, sleeping in my own bed, cuddling up with my 2 darlings, with one trying her best to lick the other! The ward, to its credit, is really cheerily painted, yellow walls, fish and other sea creatures swimming on the walls, and nurses who do their best to make treatment bearable. It is nonetheless, an oncology ward, and the stories behind these walls are both uplifting as well as terrifying. After so many stays, I've come to be familiar with the names of the children tagged on the doors of the rooms. There was a long term stayer, and I noticed the name, simply because it was such a beautiful name. Like Maeve, she has lymphoma, but in this case, hers was a relapse. I was shocked one day when I was told she had gone to ICU. I could not sleep the entire night, even though i didn't know this child personally. Just the thought of a little child in ICU devastated me and created such fears for my own child. Each parent in this ward maintains an unusually chirpy exterior, voices a little higher, smiles a little brighter, to cheer on their little troopers, but within each parent, is truely the heart of darkness. Everyone sympathises with those whose children have passed the stage of cure, and thank God that it is NOT their child. Here, I've also seen children who are amputees and it is hard to stomach. How did their parent explain to their child that sorry, the doctor has to cut your leg, hand, off? So for these reasons, it is good to be home and almost pretend that everything's normal again. After all, at home, Maeve's a typical 4 year old, jumping, running, skipping, climbing the gate, no matter how much i tell her not to.
These few days will also see me getting paranoid as her counts drop once more. I suspect her counts are even lower this time as she has been very tired, wanting to sleep an hour after she has woken up. So pray for protection for her as well as our family, so that none of us will fall sick or even come into contact, unwittingly with sick people. Since I don't leave the house at all, it isn't an issue for me, but Bern works in a school, the hotbed for germs! so pray for protection especially for him.

Dwayne, Chistabel and Maeve.AVI

video of maeve's brithday surprise

Almost there

Just one more day and we'll be home. I've learnt to be really kiasu this time and check and double check procedures with nurses and doctors, so that when Maeve's under sedation tomorrow for her lumbar puncture, they'll simultaneously do the injections, take blood and what-have-you. I realise that sparing the child the pain of pricks is not high on the agenda list of doctors as they'll do what they need to, when they need to and may not plan ahead, so as parents, we have to. I'm desperate to be home as 8 days in hospital is driving all of us crazy, especially when the toy library is not open during the long weekend. More importantly, Paige needs her family around and as she's now more aware of what's happening around her and recognising people and faces, she gets pretty fretful unless my helper shows her videos of Maeve, or we skype with her. Yesterday, Paige came for a visit and it broke our collective hearts seeing the 2 sisters cling on to each other, not wanting to separate. The nurses didn't allow her in the BMT area (Bone Marrow Transplant)where we were warded, in case of infection as the children doing bone marrow transplant cannot afford to have a single germ and children under the age of 12 are considered rather germy. So, we had to bring Maeve out to meet Paige in the MO's rest room...sort of like how prisoners have to go to a visitor room to meet their visitors! I tried to nurse her but she had clearly forgotten how to nurse after 1 week and just kept biting me. Of course, this week coincided with her sprouting her first tooth and she was eagerly trying out its sharpness on me! I don't know if this means she will get expressed milk from now on as I'm not sure I can risk her drawing blood if i continue to persist, which makes me very sad as there's nothing I love more than nursing a baby. Tomorrow we go home after a pretty long chemo round and this time, with the GCSF injection given earlier, I hope her counts go back up faster and there are less days where she is at risk. Now to think of a way to get her to lie down flat for 4 hrs after the puncture, as it has been almost impossible for the past few punctures. which 4 yr old is going to lie down for that long without throwing a fit. She can't even get up to pee or anything and has to use the bed pan if needed, but her little bum falls right in (adult sized), so really quite a challenge. Am going to have to convince her to wear diapers and do it in the diapers if it kills me!

Happy 4th birthday my sweetie pie!

Part 1 of Maeve's birthday was celebrated in hospital, and CCF did their best to make sure she had a wonderful time with games and cake and balloons. Part 2 was the surprise visit/performance by 2 former drama students who came as Aladdin and Jasmine, much to Maeve's delight, performing a song and dance thing for her. Part 3 will be a small thing with just the family when we get home as her counts will be real low, but she'll get her princess cake (thanks to the cake toppers from Aunty Mich)! She is truely blessed!