forgiveness

Yesterday's sermon was a wonderful lesson on forgiveness. I know that i was meant to listen to it as I've been praying about the issue of forgiveness and have been struggling with it. Not in the sense that i find it hard to forgive, but that I'm bad at forgetting, which i guess accounts to the same thing. Anyway, Paige chose the start of the sermon to nurse, so while nursing, i could listen to the sermon uninterrupted. The sermon was about how Jesus restored Peter after his resurrection and forgave him for denying him. Jesus didn't harp on the issue (i do), he didn't ask "why did you..?" (i do), he didn't say "how can i trust you?" (i do) but he repeated "do you love me?" 3 times and then restored Peter. I've been asking God of late, how does one keep forgiving the same crime multiple times a day (as all parents have to)without losing one's temper or getting discouraged. How does one remain impassionate and calm when you want to scream "once again, you did not listen to me!!" or "how many times have i told you not to..". whenever i read the question that was asked of Jesus, "how many times must i forgive my neighbour?", I always smile, knowing that my neighbours will never wrong me 77 times 7 times! That is, until i had kids, then the truth of the statement becomes crystal. So when for the 7th time, i've got to admonish my preschooler, "how many times must I.." i remember Jesus' words. to forgive and forgive and keep on forgiving. With a smile. Its hard to be the adult sometimes when all i want to do is throw a tantrum too and glare at my misbehaving child. Today I had to park the car in a carpark and pray after sending the little one to school, to ask God to forgive me for my unforgiveness. you see, i failed the test immediately today when i had a procrastinating, whiny child reluctant to go to school and didn't talk to her throughout the car trip as i was seething in anger. Later, I will go and restore my child and forgive her as many times as necessary.

welcome to the circus

Here, at the circus, the main clown performs all sorts and manner of juggling.
One-handed diaper change and simultaneous pulling on of nursery school uniform? check.
Nursing and story-book reading complete with animated voice and action? check.
Rocking and comforting shrieking infant and disciplining tantrum-throwing shrieking pre-schooler? check.

Which leaves main clown very exhausted and ready to fly off on Dumbo's back.

I think I was way over-confident in my first month as a mum-of-2 as Paige was still at the feed and sleep stage. very little crying if at all. HOWEVER, now that she is 7 weeks old and developing her own personality, she needs more attention (I'll shout 3 times, if you don't come, I'll burst into tears) and her big sis is starting to feel the heat of less than 100% attention, which means more smart alecky remarks, challenges, defiance (this morning was "mummy, why don't you cane me for being rude? I'd like to try it")and outright naughtiness. Of course, my little one will always sob and apologise and vow NEVER EVER to do it again, but we know, NEVER take the promises of preschoolers too seriously or you'll be in for a whole year of disappointment.

A few days ago, I really wanted to throw in the towel and return to full-time work. Let someone else handle the kids for the whole day, so that i can just enjoy them when i come home from work. I went out for groceries at night so that i could take a ME-break and seriously contemplated the lure of going back to work. I'll have colleagues, a social life, tea breaks without having to say "please don't use your feet to hold the bread" or similar, lots of money and hence guilt-free spending and yes, fulfilment where work done actually can be accounted for and appraised. However, after much discussion with God, I guess my place is still at home. So now i'm off to pick up the big sis from nursery school and hopefully elicit a big hug and kiss which would make up for all the negativity I've been feeling of late.