I've spent the past few days having self-talks entitled "what is reasonable toddler anger". Given my current state of being stuck at home, I can't venture out to do street interviews, which would probably unearth quite a few gems. My little almost 3 year old has been having, let's just say, bad days. I'm not sure if its developmental (and hence will pass eventually), or reactionary (since i haven't been able to carry her or chase her or play hide and seek etc)or just plain naughtiness. The thing is, when you put a nauseated hormonal pregnant woman together with a toddler who has decided on a new behavioural pattern, mainly, "I don't want!!" complete with stamping feet, pumping fists, war is inevitable. Our mornings start this way of late with "i donb't want to shower/brush my teeth/have breakfast/go to school". Ordinarily, i'll hoist her and physically move her to where she should be, but given my "do-not-carry-heavy-things" command by the doctor, i can only watch and steam as the petulant one does a sit-in protest. When I'm not puking my guts out, I'll do the firm mama and issue the "i-do-not-want-to-repeat-myself-again-or-you're-in'serious-trouble" at which time usually there will be all out screaming and crying, sending the neighbour rushing in in the "is maeve alright-are you abusing her?" mode. I literally have to bite my tongue hard to prevent myself from joining in the scream fest. Part of my brain somewhere says that anger is healthy and verbal anger should be encouraged so that physical anger is not resorted to. After all, all of us are entitled to feelings of anger/frustration/irritability, so would it be fair of me to curtail a toddler's? I've been letting her vent so far till she's tired of crying/screaming, then we go do something nice together, but this is really turning me ragged. Even my parents agree I look like road kill. 3 day old road kill.
so hence my dilemma over this anger thing. is it healthy? Is there any other way i can teach her to express said anger? Should it be nipped straight away? This is really a post-modern parental concern, which is probably laughable to most of our parents. Just buy a cane lah, is the common response. But hubby and i have strong views about the cane, mainly, that it simply leads to fear and submission that is not internalised, but externalised, which in turn leads to passive-aggresive behaviour when they are older, which is dangerous. Forgive me if this is a bit of a psycho-babble, we're both teachers and have seen enough of later forms of destructive, hidden anger.so back to 3 year old anger. right now, i'm still having my internal debates and am praying that once this bed rest thing is over, my playing and running around with her, carrying and wrestling, will bring back my sweet and lovable child. She's in there somewhere, i know it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I think I found your baby
This entry was meant to be an epitaph of sorts. In fact, there were so many ways i had planned to say goodbye.
Backtracking to Thursay 2am, (or rather friday morning), i woke up in the middle of the night to discover i was bleeding, not just spotting, like full on bleeding. Determined not to panic (trying to think, what would hubby do in this situation?), I waited for a while before waking hubby to report said news. After praying, we decided the sensible thing was to report ourselves to KKH immediately, but what about our sleeping little one? thankfully, a phone call in the dead of the night and a very wonderful brother-in-law availed himself, sleepy but very concerned. He will watch over maeve while we make that frightening trip. at the hospital, the doctor scanned me for the longest time and evaded all my questions of "how is my baby?". Finally, he angled the ultrasound machine at me and pointed and explained the picture i saw in front of me. It was a black hole with what seemed like debris, floating about. Sort of like the dark sky with litter. where's the baby, i asked. at once fearful. You have already begun the process of miscarriage. i am sorry. what you see are the products of pregancy that have already started to disintegrate. i howled. weeping is an inadequate word to describe the sounds of pain and anguish that coursed through me. I'd like to ward you. he said. We'll do a detailed ultrasound tomorrow. the results won't change, I'm sorry, but the detailed U/S will help us with the evacuation. That's what they call it when they suck up what's left-over from the womb. to evacuate. Like leaving a building because of some terrorist attack. No. Hubby said. We will not ward her. We will go home and come again tomorrow for the procedure. Hubby knew we needed the space, the privacy, our home, to mourn. And we did, over hot milo at home, recalling the insane reality of this pregnancy, remininscing about how this little one likes noodles and scorns cereal, my usual breakfast. We thought about how to tell Maeve, who has been fiercely protective over her yet to be born sibling. who had already named her sibling.
Friday morning. 11am. detailed scan at KKH radiology department.
The form i took to the scan said, to confirm a miscarriage. The radiographer smiled and spoke to me, engaging me in small talk. i barely heard a word, so numb was i to anything. She sensed my grief and encouraged me. an angel sent at my hour of need. I told her more than i should tell a stranger, i told her how i couldn't conceive naturally and how this was a miracle, albeit short lived.
She was quiet for a while and then said, I'm not supposed to tell you this as I'm not a doctor, but i can see how heartbroken you are. She angled the machine to face me. i looked at it. there was no debris, just a black hole and a white dot. I looked at her, not comprehending.
I think i found your baby. she said.
what do you mean? my thoughts were, ok, at least i knew there was a baby, and not a blighted ovum with no growing fetus. it was closure, i could look at the screen and say goodbye.
And here, she continued, is the beating heart. i saw a white spot pulsating on the screen.and its beating well!
You mean? you mean? Its alive?!!!! We looked at each other, strangers locked in a swirl of powerful emotions.
I floated out of the room, a crazed smile on my face. hubby was troubled. he expected to be my pillar of strength as i came out, collapsed in tears, as i did yesterday. i showed him the ultrasound. what does it mean? what's this? what's this dot? i smiled and he knew. we were giggling like 7 year olds with a secret. we giggled all the way out of the department, carrying our secret ultrasound.
yes, said the doctor. this is your baby. it is a viable pregnancy. rest in bed. don't move about too much because of your bleeding. yes mdm!
Did i mention that maeve named this little one isaac? She said, his name is isaac, the son of abraham. when i read that chapter of the bible, hubby pointed to me that abraham was prepared to sacrifice his son to God, but he had, in faith told his servant, wait here for us, WE will return. he didn't say, I will return. He believed that even if he did burn Isaac as a sacrifice, somehow God will resurrect him someway. return him someway.
I believe our little one went to heaven on thursday night and returned on friday morning. I believe my God is one of miracles. My baby was lost and now is found, was gone and now is alive!
Backtracking to Thursay 2am, (or rather friday morning), i woke up in the middle of the night to discover i was bleeding, not just spotting, like full on bleeding. Determined not to panic (trying to think, what would hubby do in this situation?), I waited for a while before waking hubby to report said news. After praying, we decided the sensible thing was to report ourselves to KKH immediately, but what about our sleeping little one? thankfully, a phone call in the dead of the night and a very wonderful brother-in-law availed himself, sleepy but very concerned. He will watch over maeve while we make that frightening trip. at the hospital, the doctor scanned me for the longest time and evaded all my questions of "how is my baby?". Finally, he angled the ultrasound machine at me and pointed and explained the picture i saw in front of me. It was a black hole with what seemed like debris, floating about. Sort of like the dark sky with litter. where's the baby, i asked. at once fearful. You have already begun the process of miscarriage. i am sorry. what you see are the products of pregancy that have already started to disintegrate. i howled. weeping is an inadequate word to describe the sounds of pain and anguish that coursed through me. I'd like to ward you. he said. We'll do a detailed ultrasound tomorrow. the results won't change, I'm sorry, but the detailed U/S will help us with the evacuation. That's what they call it when they suck up what's left-over from the womb. to evacuate. Like leaving a building because of some terrorist attack. No. Hubby said. We will not ward her. We will go home and come again tomorrow for the procedure. Hubby knew we needed the space, the privacy, our home, to mourn. And we did, over hot milo at home, recalling the insane reality of this pregnancy, remininscing about how this little one likes noodles and scorns cereal, my usual breakfast. We thought about how to tell Maeve, who has been fiercely protective over her yet to be born sibling. who had already named her sibling.
Friday morning. 11am. detailed scan at KKH radiology department.
The form i took to the scan said, to confirm a miscarriage. The radiographer smiled and spoke to me, engaging me in small talk. i barely heard a word, so numb was i to anything. She sensed my grief and encouraged me. an angel sent at my hour of need. I told her more than i should tell a stranger, i told her how i couldn't conceive naturally and how this was a miracle, albeit short lived.
She was quiet for a while and then said, I'm not supposed to tell you this as I'm not a doctor, but i can see how heartbroken you are. She angled the machine to face me. i looked at it. there was no debris, just a black hole and a white dot. I looked at her, not comprehending.
I think i found your baby. she said.
what do you mean? my thoughts were, ok, at least i knew there was a baby, and not a blighted ovum with no growing fetus. it was closure, i could look at the screen and say goodbye.
And here, she continued, is the beating heart. i saw a white spot pulsating on the screen.and its beating well!
You mean? you mean? Its alive?!!!! We looked at each other, strangers locked in a swirl of powerful emotions.
I floated out of the room, a crazed smile on my face. hubby was troubled. he expected to be my pillar of strength as i came out, collapsed in tears, as i did yesterday. i showed him the ultrasound. what does it mean? what's this? what's this dot? i smiled and he knew. we were giggling like 7 year olds with a secret. we giggled all the way out of the department, carrying our secret ultrasound.
yes, said the doctor. this is your baby. it is a viable pregnancy. rest in bed. don't move about too much because of your bleeding. yes mdm!
Did i mention that maeve named this little one isaac? She said, his name is isaac, the son of abraham. when i read that chapter of the bible, hubby pointed to me that abraham was prepared to sacrifice his son to God, but he had, in faith told his servant, wait here for us, WE will return. he didn't say, I will return. He believed that even if he did burn Isaac as a sacrifice, somehow God will resurrect him someway. return him someway.
I believe our little one went to heaven on thursday night and returned on friday morning. I believe my God is one of miracles. My baby was lost and now is found, was gone and now is alive!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
mixed blessings
Well, after a long hiatus from blogging owing to various reasons,
laziness being chief, I'm happy to announce that
2.yes, it took us completely by surprise, given our
previous failed attempt last year with the frozen transfer. I was so
shocked i just jumped up and down, probably an unwise move! The
wonderful thing is our little prophetess proclaimed, even before i even
knew i was pregnant, that there was a baby in my tummy. she prayed for
the baby over manyconsecutive nights and after 2 weeks, she was right!
the not so good news is I'm spotting, which means the womb is not so
stable, and at a 6 weeks plus ultrasound, thegynae couldn't find the
baby, only the gestational sac. I'll have to go back in 2 weeks when
the baby will hopefully stop hiding. so, really, these few days have
been filled with trepidation and downright terror. Reading the word has
calmed me down heaps, especially after staring at the big dark circle
in the ultrasound where the baby should appear as a speck, but did not.
Psalms 139:11 all the way reassured me, especially the bit about hiding
in the dark, but God still sees. i thought of the dark ultrasound
straight away as did hubby as i read it. so am claiming it as a promise
from God, that this little one is a bit shy and in hiding! If you are
reading this, pray alongside us, and if you have a word from God for
us, so let me know. i could use the reassurance.
laziness being chief, I'm happy to announce that
2.yes, it took us completely by surprise, given our
previous failed attempt last year with the frozen transfer. I was so
shocked i just jumped up and down, probably an unwise move! The
wonderful thing is our little prophetess proclaimed, even before i even
knew i was pregnant, that there was a baby in my tummy. she prayed for
the baby over manyconsecutive nights and after 2 weeks, she was right!
the not so good news is I'm spotting, which means the womb is not so
stable, and at a 6 weeks plus ultrasound, thegynae couldn't find the
baby, only the gestational sac. I'll have to go back in 2 weeks when
the baby will hopefully stop hiding. so, really, these few days have
been filled with trepidation and downright terror. Reading the word has
calmed me down heaps, especially after staring at the big dark circle
in the ultrasound where the baby should appear as a speck, but did not.
Psalms 139:11 all the way reassured me, especially the bit about hiding
in the dark, but God still sees. i thought of the dark ultrasound
straight away as did hubby as i read it. so am claiming it as a promise
from God, that this little one is a bit shy and in hiding! If you are
reading this, pray alongside us, and if you have a word from God for
us, so let me know. i could use the reassurance.
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