I think I found your baby

This entry was meant to be an epitaph of sorts. In fact, there were so many ways i had planned to say goodbye.
Backtracking to Thursay 2am, (or rather friday morning), i woke up in the middle of the night to discover i was bleeding, not just spotting, like full on bleeding. Determined not to panic (trying to think, what would hubby do in this situation?), I waited for a while before waking hubby to report said news. After praying, we decided the sensible thing was to report ourselves to KKH immediately, but what about our sleeping little one? thankfully, a phone call in the dead of the night and a very wonderful brother-in-law availed himself, sleepy but very concerned. He will watch over maeve while we make that frightening trip. at the hospital, the doctor scanned me for the longest time and evaded all my questions of "how is my baby?". Finally, he angled the ultrasound machine at me and pointed and explained the picture i saw in front of me. It was a black hole with what seemed like debris, floating about. Sort of like the dark sky with litter. where's the baby, i asked. at once fearful. You have already begun the process of miscarriage. i am sorry. what you see are the products of pregancy that have already started to disintegrate. i howled. weeping is an inadequate word to describe the sounds of pain and anguish that coursed through me. I'd like to ward you. he said. We'll do a detailed ultrasound tomorrow. the results won't change, I'm sorry, but the detailed U/S will help us with the evacuation. That's what they call it when they suck up what's left-over from the womb. to evacuate. Like leaving a building because of some terrorist attack. No. Hubby said. We will not ward her. We will go home and come again tomorrow for the procedure. Hubby knew we needed the space, the privacy, our home, to mourn. And we did, over hot milo at home, recalling the insane reality of this pregnancy, remininscing about how this little one likes noodles and scorns cereal, my usual breakfast. We thought about how to tell Maeve, who has been fiercely protective over her yet to be born sibling. who had already named her sibling.

Friday morning. 11am. detailed scan at KKH radiology department.

The form i took to the scan said, to confirm a miscarriage. The radiographer smiled and spoke to me, engaging me in small talk. i barely heard a word, so numb was i to anything. She sensed my grief and encouraged me. an angel sent at my hour of need. I told her more than i should tell a stranger, i told her how i couldn't conceive naturally and how this was a miracle, albeit short lived.

She was quiet for a while and then said, I'm not supposed to tell you this as I'm not a doctor, but i can see how heartbroken you are. She angled the machine to face me. i looked at it. there was no debris, just a black hole and a white dot. I looked at her, not comprehending.
I think i found your baby. she said.
what do you mean? my thoughts were, ok, at least i knew there was a baby, and not a blighted ovum with no growing fetus. it was closure, i could look at the screen and say goodbye.
And here, she continued, is the beating heart. i saw a white spot pulsating on the screen.and its beating well!

You mean? you mean? Its alive?!!!! We looked at each other, strangers locked in a swirl of powerful emotions.

I floated out of the room, a crazed smile on my face. hubby was troubled. he expected to be my pillar of strength as i came out, collapsed in tears, as i did yesterday. i showed him the ultrasound. what does it mean? what's this? what's this dot? i smiled and he knew. we were giggling like 7 year olds with a secret. we giggled all the way out of the department, carrying our secret ultrasound.

yes, said the doctor. this is your baby. it is a viable pregnancy. rest in bed. don't move about too much because of your bleeding. yes mdm!

Did i mention that maeve named this little one isaac? She said, his name is isaac, the son of abraham. when i read that chapter of the bible, hubby pointed to me that abraham was prepared to sacrifice his son to God, but he had, in faith told his servant, wait here for us, WE will return. he didn't say, I will return. He believed that even if he did burn Isaac as a sacrifice, somehow God will resurrect him someway. return him someway.

I believe our little one went to heaven on thursday night and returned on friday morning. I believe my God is one of miracles. My baby was lost and now is found, was gone and now is alive!