mortality

Today I am thinking about mortality. I just read a stranger's blog last night that was dedicated to her baby girl that lived for 3 days, and her other 2 babies that were still born. as i read, i wept into the keyboard, large salty tears that will probably corrode the keyboard. No mother should ever need to bury their babies. it is an act against nature, a complete reversal of nature and the pain i felt for that mother was profound and deep. While i haven't been on that road, i've walked a few steps on that painful road. The steps that made me wrestle with God each time i wasn't pregnant, cry in fear when i had to stick yet another needle daily in my tummy, collapse in grief when yet another fertility treatment failed. I've also thought about the little embryos that accompanied Maeve. where are they now? were they my unborn children? are they in heaven? or are they just cells? the un-children? I also thought about that time, years ago where i was so sure i was pregnant but later bled so badly all over a friend's polished parquette and refusing to look at the huge clots that clogged the toilet bowl later, afraid of what i might have seen. Did i lose her or him that day? And i look at maeve, grinning at me, banging around the house, practising her newly-acquired walking skills, smug as a bug. i reach out and hold her, breathe into the baby scent as she twists and worms around, a bid for freedom.All my love, for her.