The end of a long long road

Come the end of May, our journey, started in June last year, will officially come to an end, with Maeve's surgery to remove her port-a-cath. She no longer needs it as she has been cancer-free for 6 months, the critical time period for a relapse of her kind of cancer. I am so looking forward to the removal as it has been a constant and painful reminder for me and many nights are filled with sheer terror of a possible relapse. When it gets removed, I can once again see her as a normal child, I don't have to fear her getting hit by a ball at play, falling face down if she trips, the sort of thing that all 4 year olds, especially high energy ones like mine, are capable of. More importantly, I can LET MY GUARD DOWN! I'm now trying to prepare her for her surgery, that is, mentally, going through the steps with her, so that in 3 weeks time, she'll be so familiar with it, she won't be fearful.

As I reflect on this entire journey, I realise that the one thing that stood out most for me, was the fact that God was in control of the entire situation, even if I wasn't. He probably would have loved to tell me, "do not fear, for I love you", but I was too distraught, no, traumatised, to even listen. So, God sent His earthly angels, friends, ex-colleagues, students, family, to pour out an immense amount of love upon us. While I was fearful, I never doubted how loved we were as a family. Truely, through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me. This year, I am also devouring the bible, like a parched woman in the desert as I never want to feel far away from God anymore, or that I'll have to handle another crisis on my own. I realise, when really pushed to the brink, I come up short, that I have such little faith, choosing instead to trust in what I see literally. A little like King Ahaz in Isaiah I guess, and he's a pretty lousy king.

I'm going to keep the port, after it is removed, as a constant reminder, so that I'll never get too apathetic, too comfortable, too full of confidence in myself, that I forget God or His mercy.

So if you're reading this blog entry, pray with us for a smooth surgery and that my little one will be brave. As it is, she has decided she doesn't want children next time, as "I don't want the doctor to cut me up" (both my kids came out via C-section!).