BReaking the midnight snack

I just got kicked out of bed. It is for the best. Acccording to the hubby. Maeve has been crying non-stop for milk since 4am and we've been trying to get her the kick the habit. If she smells me, it makes it all the more hard and it doesn't help that i turn to mush once she starts begging. It has been an hour and she's still at it while i type in the next room. It is heart wrenching to know you can end her misery so easily, but are deliberately not doing so....for the long term good of everyone. I am just pacing and trying to distract myself from the crying so that i won't dash into the room and rescue my little one. When we come back from our retreat, the plan is to migrate her to her own room and cot. Not sure how that'll work or how long she's cry, but if we were to get our nights back together as a couple, she'll have to move. I guess i'm ambivalent about it as i figure she'll only stay a baby for so long and before we know it, she won't really want to sleep with us, prefering her own space. I also enjoy the cuddles in bed, the singing and holding each other to sleep. But! i guess hubby needs his wife back and he doesn't quite appreciate Maeve's slamming her little feet into his face nightly!

phuket

we're back from phuket! we stayed in a wonderful 2 bedroom apartment at alllamanda that overlooked the lagoon. peaceful and so gorgeous! while bern and i didn't get to do the snorkelling, kayaking that we hoped to do, we had just as much fun taking the shuttle boat around the lagoon, from hotel to hotel. almost felt like venice, well, except for the scorching weather. we brought along the pram, but as usual, it was more to put the diaper bag than the diapered one. And as usual, maeve spent most of her time in my arms whenever she's not exploring on her little fox-shoed feet.

the little things

It is the little things that make life worthwhile and me, the most blessed person in the world. it is the way Maeve strokes my arm before she sleeps, the way she flutters her eyelashes at us and grins when she is being cheeky. it is the way Bern sits up in bed in the middle of the night, fast asleep but wearing his glasses (to show he's not asleep) when i nurse maeve for the umpteenth time when she is sick and fussy...a sign of support and solidarity.it is the way mum drops everything to drive us to the PD AND waits 2 hrs together with me only to have to return in the evening because the doctor needs a dinner break. it is the way dad puts maeve on his chest to sleep EVERY afternoon nap having to contend with a saliva-perspiration soaked shirt after (and the possibility of being nursed on by a drowsy baby!). It is the way my helper fusses over maeve like she were her own child and gives her the love and attention that could have been directed towards her own children back in her hometown. I couldn't get any more blessed!

our bumble bee

THe only time you can dress your child up as an animal is when they are 1 and under...so i'm relishing the experience! now, maeve can't protest, can't be stroppy, can't decide she'd rather wear this or that, or not be caught dead in what mum buys..! so here she is, with daddy, as an adorable little bumble bee...bzzzzz..... of course, this bumble bee doesn't want to be air-borne for long, prefering instead to walk and traipse all round the house. now, no one can carry her for long. she'll demand "walk walk" and writhe and wriggle her way out of our arms. Thank goodness she doesn't do that in public..i can't imagine her writhing on the floor of a shopping centre! Although i must say, she is starting to exhibit the scary terrible-twos syndrome! bern and i were discussing our discipline methods and what we agree on. AND what we agree on is that we don't want maeve to turn into a brat, so if we need to give the right spank, we'd have to grit our teeth and do it. NOW i understand the "it-pains-me-more-than-it-does-you" that parents dole out. i always thought "yah, right! as if!" but now, it comes back to haunt me. it really is true! i can't even bear to scold her! oh dear! i'm such a fluffy bunny!

Maeve's birhday...a month and a half ago

We had a little teeny weeny party with family and 2 friends with kids. i don't really want big dos, well, i'm too lazy to have them, and besides, maeve will probably be overwhelmed. so her party was really quite nice as i got to catch up with mich and chris and uncle and aunt. maeve also had her nap in the midst of her party! Dwayne has offered her a hi-5 party when she gets older! that'll be great fun given her ardent adoration of the group.

the miracle of prayer

last night was particularly bad. i was having the mother of all fevers at 39 degrees and pretty much useless. my bones were chilled and frozen and i moved my feverish self out to the sofa to sleep and thaw. maeve woke every 2 hours, i guess because in place of mommy, she found a bolster next to her ( i was hoping she wouldn't notice). she shrieked and cried and kept calling for milk (even with an anguished "please"--her version is "bee-eh"). i just hoped dear hubby could manage her as i tried to ignore her cries. in desperation, he prayed over her in tongues and hey presto! she was asleep in 10 sec! If i'd known that worked so much better, i'd have asked hubby to do so every time maeve woke through her 1st year!

mortality

Today I am thinking about mortality. I just read a stranger's blog last night that was dedicated to her baby girl that lived for 3 days, and her other 2 babies that were still born. as i read, i wept into the keyboard, large salty tears that will probably corrode the keyboard. No mother should ever need to bury their babies. it is an act against nature, a complete reversal of nature and the pain i felt for that mother was profound and deep. While i haven't been on that road, i've walked a few steps on that painful road. The steps that made me wrestle with God each time i wasn't pregnant, cry in fear when i had to stick yet another needle daily in my tummy, collapse in grief when yet another fertility treatment failed. I've also thought about the little embryos that accompanied Maeve. where are they now? were they my unborn children? are they in heaven? or are they just cells? the un-children? I also thought about that time, years ago where i was so sure i was pregnant but later bled so badly all over a friend's polished parquette and refusing to look at the huge clots that clogged the toilet bowl later, afraid of what i might have seen. Did i lose her or him that day? And i look at maeve, grinning at me, banging around the house, practising her newly-acquired walking skills, smug as a bug. i reach out and hold her, breathe into the baby scent as she twists and worms around, a bid for freedom.All my love, for her.