I don't know when humans start developing the concept of fear and how it all begins. Does it happen after a few bumps and accidents and bad experiences? Is it all about personality? Now, at a very respectable age, i don't think i will do anything foolhardy, like bungy jumping or driving off into the wilderness with no preparation or knowing where the next petrol kioks were. If you asked me the same questions a decade ago, i would have jumped at the chance to do these foolhardy things in the name of adventure. the thought that i might die, or injure myself in a big way never occured to me and this risk taking behaviour, or fearlessnes is now evident in the little one. i've been bringing her swimming every week and not once does she approach the water gingerly or with some sense of self-preservation, unlike her older cousin who "tests water" first. nope, not maeve. she jumps in with wild abandonment each time, expecting to somehow bob to the top each time. another favourite activity is hurling herself at me, expecting me to always catch her, whether at ground level, or from a height. how she can have such a lack of fear, or complete faith in me, i don't understand. what if i don't catch her? what if i can't scoop her out of the water fast enough? So far, these thoughts don't cross her mind. To her, there is nothing to fear as mummy will always be there, like magic. It warms my heart but the magnitude of such a responsibility scares me. I hope i'll always be there to catch her when she falls. i hope i'll always be the cushion, the trampoline, the safety net. but i know that she will scrape her knee one day, she will knock her little head, she will bruise her heart. i hope when that day comes, i can still be there to catch her.

you scream i scream

the little one has been having a blocked nose every night for a while and i've tried various methods to get her comfortable and back to bed when she wakes up at night at the average of 3-4 times. unfortunately, she decided to have a good scream and cry last night (which was a bad time given my emotional day yesterday) which really got me cranky. so i did what i knew won't work, but had to do anyway because it was cathartic. i screamed back. so there we were, screaming at each other in the middle of the night. poor daddy got the brunt of it and i'm sure would lose concentration at work today due to exhaustion. after a whole bout of screaming, we fell exhausted into each other's arms, she, sobbing and hiccuping away, me, tearing with sheer guilt and trying to make it up with plenty of kisses. Thank goodness children forgive and forget in a way that adults don't. this morning, she was all cheeky smiles and singing away as she "cooked".she even put up with a doctor's visit (it helps that we changed PDs and this one she liked as he had a kitchen set in the clinic and gave her stickers!)without her usual protests. I will have to find a way to deal with my own lack of patience and frustation without taking it out on her. i need more zen-ness (which hubby has plenty of), but it doesn't seem to rub off on me.

the but-why?s

Ever since i could talk, my favourite phrase has been "but why?" things haven't quite changed in 30 odd years. I'm still asking "but why" which makes my mum feel like she's trapped in an endless time warp. I ask that of salesgirls ("you can't try, sales item". "but why?" "dunno. boss say so"), of people who make you fill your primary school results in forms (ennough said), of admin people who make silly rules (usually the answer to my questions is "dunno sorry")..

Recently the tables have been turning. the little mite has started the Why questions which makes mum really pleased. A taste of my own medicine, she would say. FORTUNATELY, Maeve is not really asking in earnest yet, she just likes asking it and.....answering it herself! ha!
Maeve: Aeroplane fly! Why? mummy why?
Me: (silence as i construct as suitable answer)
Maeve: (without missing a beat) BECAUSE mummy cry!
Me: ????

Of course i am stumped by the enigmatic nature of the response, but thoroughly pleased that she managed to rhyme.
and then it hit me: it really doesn't matter what the reason is behind all the whys. life was never meant to be logical and reasonable. it just flows according to its own crazy patterns and rhymes and "dunno" is as good a response as any!once again, i learn from my little one.

It is strange how a little one can change everything. My house has been thoroughly colonised by Maeve and it isn't just the child spaces. the once adult spaces have echoes of her: Peter Rabbit lies on my pillow like it's his right to do so, crayons and odd bits of toys, half eaten raisins snuggle next to my wallet in my handbag,the potty sits proudly beside the toilet bowl, my doors (at least the bottom half) have modern art (at least that's what i see it as) renditions, as does my coffee table, smoo milk adorns every possible surface, the sound system in the car and house play mother goose ad infinitum, my shoes appear in all strange corners and i usually can't find something or the other, whisked away and hidden by the industrious squirrel...and yes, my lipsticks serve double duty as crayon and face paint. Yet...yet, i wouldn't have it any other way. If i were to take away the echoes of her, the house and everything with it will sigh away, empty and devoid of meaning. how a little one can fill all those spaces so quickly and so easily, leaving you wondering how on earth you survived before on the emptiness. and time marches on. i think i'll be a hopeless mess when she goes to kindergarten and waves me away from the kindy doors.

temper tantrums...

...are as certain as death and taxes. the good news is most parents have an arsenal of measures to keep them at bay/remedy the situation. the bad news is I'm not one of them. The good news is most kids will throw one and get distracted soon enough to stop it. the bad news is Maeve is not most kids...in fact, she averages 3 a day, for reasons only known to her...and for her sake i hope they are sublime ones. so what is a harried mom to do? The bookworm in me has devoured all forms of literature on tantrums and they all suggest, IGNORE. well, i tried IGNORE yesterday evening when the royal highness went berserk on the floor of her grandpa's house. then it became a tensed face-off, who will outlast the other. after 45 mins of IGNORE, the little tyke was the winner and she only conceded to vaguely apologise after her cousin took her by her hand and led her, still fiesty and defiant, over. mum and dad assured me that ALL kids will go through this, till, oh about, 18-we-wish-you-the-best-of-luck. hmmph!! So i'm now out on the market for new methods of discipline. mich says wait till i see the terrible-3s, i ain't seen anythin'yet! i wait with baited breat . meanwhile i will see about self-preservation techniques.

what i learnt from my little one

i learnt not to look at ideology when i see the national flag, instead i see very nice twinkly stars.
i learnt that each puddle of rain on the ground are not irritating bits to avoid. they are fallen moons.
i learnt that dancing amongst bubbles always makes the day better as it teases out the giggles.
i learnt that it doesn't matter if you fight with and bite each other just minutes ago, doesn't mean you can't kiss and make up immediately with no bruised feelings.
i learnt not to read the words in cereal boxes or road signs or adverts, but appreciate the stars, alphabets, dancing balls, animals for what it is, not what it's trying to tell me.
i learnt to say hello to everyone, and i really mean EVERYONE! and forget shyness, prejudice, fear and whatever else that made me not say hello.
i am humbled by the many things my 20 month old taught me.

just like mummy!

Everyone tells me my little one is just like me. from looks to temperament to interests to vanity. hmmm.....here she is playing dress-up. most favoured activity for the moment.