It is the dead of night. Finally, time for myself. No baby trying to eat my ear, no child arguing with me why vegetables are not good for her. In this whole whirlwind of care-giving, it is hard to find pockets of time to, say, read a book, or drink a cup of tea. So I do these things in the blanket of night, after I do my pumping (my one duty I will not give up as it is the only thing I can do as Paige's mother, since I can't physically care for her when we're in hospital).
Sometimes i feel tremendously guilty that i want a break from maeve, but it really does wear me out, having to persuade, cajole, threaten, before I can get her to eat, bathe, gargle with salt etc. Pre-cancer days, we'll take away her food and let her go hungry so she learns not to procrastinate and push her food around, but now, the last thing we need is for her to lose weight. So now, i have to pull all stops, eat with a video on, promise of ice-cream after, 3 bites and a sticker reward, and sometimes, threats (do you want the nurse to put a nose tube in to feed you??) Bad Bad mummy i know, but sometimes threats work. Sometimes. She also follows me around everywhere I go, in case i disappear. She has become that insecure. So when i'm off to the toilet, she's there at the door, all smiles and patience till i'm done. If i even suggest leaving the house for a bit, she becomes a basket case. Today i carried paige out to the corridor for a stroll and maeve stood at the gate calling and calling till i returned (she knows she can't leave the house on account of her low counts). So what i'd really like is to generate a hologram of me that stays at home while the real me sneaks out for a cup of tea. When i suggest I need a tea break (please darling, just 20 mins), my smart little one makes me a pretend one with her tea set. (here mummy, earl grey tea, no milk, just the way you like it!)The only time she is remotely at ease without me is when daddy is around, but since he comes home so late and is usually pretty exhuasted when he's at home, there really is no chance for me to be off-duty. So my second wish is to suddenly inherit a copious amount of money because I am actually related to the queen or something, so that hubby doesn't have to work, that it, until maeve's chemo is over. While I get upset sometimes that hubby stays at work till evening, i know that that is the only way he'll get anything done. No one can mark with 2 kids under the age of 5 at home! I guess i am far more blessed, in that i don't have to work, and hubby's income is enough to provide for our little family. i need to remember to count my blessings, even when sometimes, i can't actually see the blessings. Tomorrow we're off to check maeve's blood counts, which means, finger prick as usual. she's not a happy bunny that's for sure, but she is psyching herself up for it. Am praying for a gentle nurse who won't squeeze so hard to collect the blood.