Make-a-wish fundraising

Ever since our lovely party thrown by Make-aWish Foundation last year, we've been thinking of how we could pay it forward, so hubby and I signed up as volunteers this year, so that we could also help make another child's wish come true.

Our first project as volunteers was to raise funds, so we did it at the NATAS travel fair this year. I must admit it wasn't easy (not that i thought it would be) as unlike previous fundraising efforts where we could go around with a tin on our own, put on our thick-skins and solicit, this time, we had our preschooler with us and we were very conscious of what we did and said and how we explained things. So, with our bag of goodies and donation bags (each donation bag carried Maeve's face, how cool is that!), we walked round the entire fair, with a smile on our faces and hope in our hearts. We had some wonderful ladies who not only donated, also stopped to chat with Maeve and wished her well and that helped us continue despite a million rejections.

Would you like to donate? These funds help grant wishes to very sick children.

No.

That's ok, have a good day.

Would you like to make a difference to the life of critically ill children?

No.

Would you..

No.

Mummy, why don't they want to help sick children?

Mummy, if they can spend money on holidays? why can't they give a little to help children like me? Mummy, why don't they care?

Mummy, why do you say thank you when they didn't donate?

Mummy, uncles are not very nice.

I must admit it was harder answering Maeve's questions than it was dealing with rejection. I knew we will be rejected most of the time, that's just how it is with singaporeans, but I forgot to prepare answers for the above questions and my answers were pretty lame.

Honey, they DO want to help, just not yet.

Darling, maybe they've donated to something else already.

Sweetie, many uncles are hard of hearing, so they didn't hear us when we asked for donations. Aunties have better ears.

All in all however, it was a great experience as my little one had to walk around for 6 hrs without being carried, learn to ask for donations, handle rejection, interact with other volunteers and catch some great cultural performances from all over the world. One snag though: (while watching the Brazillian dancers) mummy, why are they dancing in their panties and bras? I can see all their bum bums!

Now, that's another lesson in itself!

The learning journey.....well, that in many ways. I've learnt that children, unlike adults (okay, unlike me), live by an ordered, structured world where they would like to know what to expect, and what's coming up next. That's why timetables are notoriously successful, for most of the under 6 set.(okay, for most normal people above 6 too) Unfortunately, my 2 little ones have a mother who thrives in absolute chaos and lives from one inspired moment to the next...which does not fly by them obviously. it sort of worked when Maeve was younger, after all, every day was a new experience, and she had my undivided attention, so if mummy decides we'll do counting in the airport on monday, botany in the park on tuesday and word recognition on wednesday, taking random walks, so be it. However, and a BIG HOWEVER, now there's 2, and big sis has to also abide my small sis' nap schedule! So in order for everyone to get less antsy and argumentative, a certain sense of order is in order. So I have decided to re-educate myself, hence, my learning journey. This time round, I have planned (ever so roughly) how each day should feel like, ie. a fixed time to play, to learn, to exercise, and...this is where the teacher-in-me comes about, a day to do Learning Journeys! So once a week, we'll take a little excursion to some part of the country and we'll learn about the history of the place, the geography around it, throw in some math (how many steps to the next landmark?), a little pre-school competition (who can find the way to this place? Check the MRT map!), and silly excuses to tell her incredible, made-up tales about the place. Hee! Hee! Of course, we'll always culminate in a little art or writing (draw the scene, write a story about the people who might have lived here...in case anyone's wondering, she's not so advanced as to be able to spell the lot, the ever patient parent has to spell each word, however LOOOONNGG the story).

So what's my learning journey from the Learning Journey? Well, that I have way too much fun for a respectable mid-30s mother of 2, that I am actually really 12 years old (after all, only 12 year olds wave at tourists and tell them to beware of crocodiles in the Singapore River!), that I'm learning as much about my country as my little one, that it is not easy finding your way out of certain MRT stations, that my little girl cannot count beyond 29. Still. That it is very hard to locate caterpillars, no matter how long we stare at various plant life. That there are many cracks on pavements all over the country (that could alternatively house small people or be the prelude to an earthquake, depending on mood of pre-schooler) Most of all, I've learnt that it is truely wonderful to be young and amazed by everything around you and that I should do likewise.

So now to plan for the rest of our learning journeys and to suss out exciting places that would charm a 4 year old that doesn't involve parting with huge amounts of cash.

Runaway kid

My little one has once again threatened to run away from home. Reason being, she got scolded.

You DON'T love me.
I do, but I don't appreciate the rudeness.
(4 year old teenager throws herself sobbing onto the bed)
When there is nary a response from me, she rummages around for a bag, packs some spoons, cooking masak massak toys, 1 scarf and a toy phone. Then comes out of the room, puts on shoes.
Where are you going young lady?
I'm running away from home.
Okay, and where are you going to run away too?
Malaysia.
How?
I'm going on a pegasus. (flying horse by the way)
Hmm...and how will you survive in Malaysia?
I'll get money from Cambodia and then I can buy food.
(Stomps around, trying to find her pretend money)
Ah...and when you poo in Malaysia, who's going to clean your bum?

*jackpot*

Okay, I'll stay here with you, but only for a while. But you must apologise for scolding me.
I can't, because you deserved the scolding.
(huge sobs again)
You want me to cruxify myself first before you're happy?

sigh....the future of teenage-hood seems to loom large. I wonder if little boys do this or do they just throw a tantrum, get a few smacks and off they go to play? little girls are a force to deal with!

2011

Its a brand new year! I always get excited at the start of the year...new possibilities, new dreams, a 2nd chance...this year, I have decided that it'll be a year of blessings. Yes, I am not God, but this is what I've told Him. Last year really sucked, big time. So I really need Him to reassure me of His love, His pampering, the way a father does when his little girl just got bullied AND fell into a puddle of water at the same time. I guess I've been really tired out and feel like I've been wrung out to dry/spinning in a washing machine/both. This year, I've decided to go back to the gym, spend time pursuing something I love--right now, its a 3 way toss up between sewing, writing and learning to paint. Of course, this year will also be an extremely busy year with Paige crusing all over the shop and Maeve going to kindy. I'm trying to get her to practice writing her small letters to no avail. Have told her if she keeps writing in caps, everyone will think she's shouting. does she bother? of course not. She's 4 going on 14. why would she?

On another note, we came back from this month's check up a little more comforted. Although it wasn't very pleasant to access her port (she struggled and cried), a mentos after cheered her up considerably, AND our oncologist said that if the scan on the 21st of this month shows she's in the clear, then the chances of a relapse are like 0.1%. woo-hoo!!!! AND the port can be removed by the end of the year if we so wished. Oh yes, we so wish very much indeed! So I guess after this pet-scan, my alert mode can drop substantially. So please continue to pray for an all-clear this 21st. We scheduled it on the 21st as we've got a wedding of a dear student to attend on the 22nd and we're going to use it as a reward for her. ie. "go through the painful procedure and you'll get to attend the wedding!" she loves weddings so we hope that will be sufficient incentive to help her brave it through. And yes, we also told her we'll ask all to pray that her veins in her little hand will widen significantly so that it'll be less painful when the radioactive contrast goes in. She screamed in sheer agony the last time as they had to push quite hard to get the liquid in given her eensy weensy tiny veins.

Tomorrow my brave princess goes to a new school. A brand new start. New teacher, new friends. She's excited, I'm nervous. Nervous that the other children will laugh at her lack of hair or make mean remarks. I'd like to say that I believe in the inherent goodness of children, but unfortunately, the inherent goodness also means complete truthfulness without kindness (unless taught at home). Case in point, we were at a cafe with a playground having a lovely lazy breakfast one morning while Maeve played and swung and climbed. A little girl, a little older, took one look at my bald child and hooted to her little friends to "come see an ugly bald girl"! Didn't know if I should slap her or her (in this case) grandparents, who did squat to remedy the situation. So with trepidation and lots of prayer, I send my precious one to school tomorrow, praying she'll have a swell time, laugh lots and make some friends.

check-up

Its been a month since our last check up, and things are almost back to normal. We thought each check up involved only her routine finger prick, but alas, now we know, it also involves the flushing of her port with heparin. So every month, the nurses will have to access the port to draw blood as well as flush it with heparin. Thankfully, she was busy playing with my i-phone, so that kept her distracted while the awful needle went in. Both Bern and I winced as it brought back reminders of her non-stop chemo sessions not too long ago. During the check-up with our oncologist, we were also told that we had to schedule her next Pet-CT scan in January. Of course I had to ask the question that had been on my mind--what is the percentage of relapse for Burkitt's? 5-10% we were told. That was supposed to give us comfort, but for some reason, it didn't. I guess what I wanted Prof Quah to say was, 5-10%, but we've never seen a relapse yet! Or something like that. But he didn't. He just informed us that if it were to come back, it would do so within the first two months. that was how aggressive Burkitt's is. We are past the 2 month mark and the next scan will really tell us what we need to know about the chance of relapse.

I had lunch with our case worker not too long ago and told her how I still can't sleep, still can't help worrying and being on high alert mode. She asked me how long I was going to be on this mode. 3 months? 1 year? 5 years? The truth is, once there is cancer, there is always the chance it might come back and I'm not sure I dare to let my guard down. The what-ifs are all too real. I know I have to release my little girl to God and release all my fears and let God be in control. right now, I'm not sure I know how to. Intellectually, yes. Emotionally? Am not so sure. its easy to sing a whole list of platitudes about trust, but the reality is not that simple, although you must give me full marks for trying! So it is a daily surrender that I have to do. A worry, a confession. A tear, a prayer. When I get that look, my little girl will tell me, "mummy, stop hyperventilating!" Indeed. My little girl, my rock.

Make-a-wish princess party

Maeve's no-more-chemo party sponsored by make-a-wish foundation! We had the time of our lives and Maeve was practically delirious after that. The ultimate fantasy party for a little princess!

Whilst out for a stroll one day, I turned the wrong way and ended up backtracking quite a bit with Maeve. She wasn't very impressed.

"Mummy, I've got lots of mean things to say in my mouth that want to come out"

"Such as?"

Deliberate pause.

" I can't tell you because it will break your heart. And I don't want to do that."

Then my little girl takes my hand and bends to pluck a grass flower for me.

It is these moments that make motherhood really worth it!